I was sitting there just before it happened. Sitting and staring out the window as one of the hundreds of leaves on the tree relinquished its grasp, fluttering airily, but with purpose into the warm breath of the wind.

My grandma must've taken it to heart, because moments later she too relinquished her grip, and slowly, peacefully, descended into darkness.

My last thought before she passed was that of all the places, this was a beautiful one to die in.

I love you GG. You'll always be near my heart.


Ruby Garris
1918-2009
June 20th, 2009

when the revolution happens, i'm really going to enjoy throwing molotov cocktails at policemen.


today I saw a man hairdrying his tin foil hat, while it was upon his head.

I also talked about art and gazed at a ceramic kitten with my math teacher from the seventh grade.

it's been a weird day.

thats why i'm sitting in my boxers, drinking at 5:55pm. est.

I might go to olive garden, but i don't know if i'll have enough time.

shows are closing. school is winding down. summer is stretching out before me like a gaping maw.


the future is indeed (tell us about your balls!) black, heavy and pendulous.

yep, quantum leap and wendy's. Must be thursday.

but not just any thursday, THE thursday. What I saw tonight was some of the better theatre i've actually witnessed, patrick stewart in the tempest being by far the best. (a fact that is reinforced by my recent binge of TNG). Nevertheless, An Evening Mandy Patinkin and Patti LuPone is an evening well spent. I mean, it's inigo montoya singing love songs. Whats not to love.

The second week of my show started today. I guess its going well. It got reviewed in the paper. "The whole scene played out on the top of Eve's bar, a very detailed set with a rustic texan feel." Thats about as good a write up one can expect in the studio, lol. but i'll take it wholeheartedly.
Ragtime opens tomorrow at the bonstelle as well. That will be fun.

I'm anxious about the future. I need.. like work.

I visited Alan's new digs at the Planet Ant yesterday. It's sparse, but right up Alan's eccentric spartan nature. Plywood and luan walls, a bed, and a nintendo with a half bent rf adaptor. In short, it's a stripper and a weedfarm away from paradise. Its really awesome he landed such good digs as that scenic job with an apartment.

I guess Zac is back at home now too.

I'm starting to worry about how i'm going to pay the bills this summer. My job search hasn't exactly been fulfilling. I just won't be a waiter. I'll subjugate myself into shoveling horse shit into a fertilizer truck, but so help me if I have to empathize with one more douchebags hamburger concerns i'm just gonna kill something. I think I could make burrito's pretty well though. If I got free zumba, or even relatively discounted Zumba I would work there in a heartbeat. I do think it a worthy goal in life to aspire towards being as much a burrito aficionado as Mike Nicley. He did afterall, two years in a row, eat two qdoba burritos in less than 3 minutes to be crowned KING of all burritos, they were his serfs and east lansing was his fiefdom.


That reminds me of how much I actually miss the long drives and the forced solitude they provided when I had to commute back and forth from E. Lansing. Sometimes I think better of it, but others... even just 2 years ago things were simpler. Even when I didn't have a real residence, lived 60 miles away from my job, things were easier.

or maybe after two years, i only remember the good things because its not worth holding onto all that bad.



I found a pair of new lime green nike running shows yesterday. At Packard, in a giant illegal dumping ground. Alan came along with me to get some Spanish Tiles from a warehouse shipping crate. I had remembered seeing them many moons ago in the northeast corner of the supply house. We found them, but also alot of peoples stuff. Random things mostly, brik-a-brak and knick-knacks. Old books, a busted briefcase, piles of clothes, christmas decorations, a pile of stuffed animals (of which, if you're heading east on I-94 out of detroit, look up at the ruinous skyline and see if you can't spot our favorite, hanging out on the seventh floor, overlooking the highway. You can't miss him. Unless the extreme gusts have blown him off the building seven stories to his fluffridden deathbed.

That place is seriously going to the dogs though. People have ripped and torn so much of the metal skeleton of that building away, and weather has taken care of the outside. Its no wonder the thing is falling in on itself. It still exudes an energy, but it doesn't feel as magic as it once did. There is no mystery left. Now it just feels... sad. even close to angry.

Newsflash, my kitties are fuzzy. more bulletins as events warrant.

When I left hamtramck yesterday I was about to get back on I-75 at Holbrook, when i happened to look down from the stoplight and notice a glint on the sidewalk. Upon further inspection, and grabbing of my camera, I zoomed in to realize the pool of reflection before me, was just bullet casings littered about the ground, flitting light about them. The really odd thing was, most of the bullets were to different types of guns. I know I saw 9mm and some kind of long rifle casing.

Heh. Detroit.


My car died last night. again. Actually, no. My car is fine. I turned it on and it started great. I had the radio cooking and the windows rolled down and then I went to shift out of park. Nothing. DAMN BUTTON WONT BUDGE. This has happened 2-3 times in the last month or so. Theres even a contingency for it in my car manual. There is a little slot where you can depress and manually release the lever, so I pushed it and, it didn't work. So I called Shane, and shane left me his phone, mine died after calling him, and then TRIPLE AAA sent jess's towing service (from waaaay over on Jefferson and Beaconsfield. right next to my aunt jackies house)
I met a man named Hassan, 26, going to wayne state too. He towed me back to his shop, where he said they'd look at it and guaranteed better and cheaper work than the dealership. (and for what they charged me before, I believed him) so i'm waiting on a call back about my car again.

I have a show that needs to be built and painted by the fourth and i've barely gotten started. I guess it's really just one wall, a railing, and this roof thing, but "this roof thing" is going to be the bane of my fucking life I just know it.

Luckily I have bought many a videogame this week, two xbox live arcade games, Geometry Wars Redux and Peggle ( a very interesting variation on Plinko with powerups) not to mention an actual purchase of Halo Wars.

I need to take a serious break from Fallout 3 for awhile. I hear the music everywhere constantly, I'll play resident evil 5 or gears of war and keep trying to put an enemy in VATS for a head shot... no dice. Man, just writing about makes me want to just boot it up for a second, yeah, just a second... never hurt anybody...


damn no.

This xbox's video cords broke again awhile back and I just decided since Shane has an hdtv, why not just get an hdmi video cord. the difference has been extreme. The amount of detail and polish, the crisp accuracy of it all, god it just makes me a little horny. WISTFUL, I MEAN WISTFUL.

Let's see... what else is news?

I'm reading a fantastic book, Barbarians at the Gate, about the hostile corporate takeover of RJR Nabisco in the late eighties. When I'm done i'm going to watch the HBO movie version, came out at the turn of the century. I love saying that. Turn of the century. The Turn of the Century , yep, nope, doesn't get old.

I guess there isn't anything left to do today, and it is only 11:30 in the morning then play video games, watch star trek TNG on my DVR, and hope that repairs for my car don't go over 500 dollars.


See Nettey, sometimes I do write in this thing.

wasting away, 38 minutes at a time.



This single serving lifestyle is really getting old.

uh-oh.... i'm boiling.

Give up the ghost
Your human constructs have never saved anyone

Gods your only chance
He just can't hear you over the bass

This new phone is sweet. More bulletins as events warrant.

its 2:00 in the afternoon. I have just gotten up. My roommate and his girlfriend, both of which went to sleep several hours before me, are still in fact sleeping. This is probably in no small part because his dog has been waking him up 3-4 times a night whining like the littlest bitch in the world. For such a cool dog during the day, he can really be a pansy when he wants to be.

I saw Madeleine last night. We went to the movies and saw "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". It was a pretty good movie but I did make some comparisons. Its basically told by a woman on her deathbed about her lost love (titanic) about how she fell in love with a boy with a birth defect (if you wanna call aging backwards a birth defect) who grew up to make history. (forrest gump... backwards)

I have plans to probably get really high and watch probably more x-files with alissa on new years. I have plans tonight to go see The Barenaked Ladies at The Fox. I havn't been to a BNL concert in almost seven years so that should be super rokk star.

Its a blessing and a curse having people come home for the holidays. Because I want to see everyone, but you can't. You have to pick and choose. For instance, seeing a movie with maddie and giving her, her christmas present means no game night at emmas house (sorry guys). and pastafarian decoration night means no x-files watching or smoking with martin, and no game playing with zac, and so on and blah. I wish each day had 36 hours. THen I could sleep for a solid twelve and have plenty of time to get things done.

I got a car for christmas. and a UtiliKilt, though I kinda got that back in september. My brothers and sisters also pooled in and got me a tiny blue ipod nano. I think I might break a nano in the palm of my hand though, so i'm gonna exchange it for a heavier, bigger model, probably buy a hardshell case for it. For now, I put clothes in the washer, jump in the shower, play a little more fallout 3 (my first game is only at 71 hours afterall) and get ready for the most awesomest concert ever.


Im very disappointed you havn't answered your phone or texts all break nettey. you're breaking my heart.

I don't know when exactly it happened, but somewhere along the way I just lost all patience with the whole updating livejournal on a regular basis thing. I just can't ever seem to find the time I suppose. What do I have to say anyway, really. I work. I take classes. My life is good one day, its 1,300 in car repairs the next.

Christmas isn't nearly as special as it used to be. It's all for my nieces and nephews by this point anyway. I've decided to celebrate festivus/pastafarianism. In honor of the flying spaghetti monster (may light forever shine from his noodly appendages) we made FSM decorations for angie's pasta tree. It was pretty sweet.

I hotglued a tiny cannon to a christmas bulb. Someone else made a noodly pasta snatch, complete with elbow macaroni clitoris. it was very classy.

Tonight we eat pita and try to achieve global dominion over one another.

For now, I listen to bowie and drink some suds and think about how much I don't want to drive today.


Happy Holidays everyone.

http://news.aol.com/political-machine/2008/11/21/sarah-palin-in-the-silence-of-the-turkeys/?icid=200100397x1213847743x1200824681


this bitch never stops.

Shane made a bob-omb for stagecraft class. Pimp. There's just a bob-omb chilling on my kitchen table. I love writing bob-omb. Its such a cool word. Like scuba.

I had work yesterday and missed the auto auction again. Damn alarm clocks. I checked out some dealerships though. Things are still out of my price range... but I did find a nice chrysler sebring and a 1979 lincoln continental mark v pimp ass cruiser and it's fully tricked out for 6,000 DOLLARS. thats about 1/3rd more then I wanted to spend. Especially for a 1979 tank. But really, its low low mileage and i'd be all about it. Plus I "could" drive in the cruise... not that I would especially want too....


I totally forgot about Mikey's party last night. Working on saturdays always throws my entire perception of time through a loop. I really, really, really don't like "it's a wonderful life" mainly because the title is an outright fabrication of the truth. But also because the script sucks and we've used more sheets of plywood for this one show then we used ALL LAST YEAR.

its been like 2 lumber orders, 50 sheets or so. Thats like half a forest. Jeez.

I had a coffee from Blimpie yesterday and after that, all day, my stomach just had these horrible shooting pains every 15-20 minutes. I'd be totally fine and then just 10 seconds of shooting pain. then it'd be gone again.


I hung out with Jacee for awhile last night after she gave me a ride home. We watched serenity and chilled for awhile. Then shane came home and we watched venture bros and chilled for awhile. Then we dropped by marks house for an hour or so. Came home and went to bed. went to bed disturbingly sober.

I woke up today and while the awful pains in my stomach were gone the dog was just staring at me. It freaked me out for a quick minute. Jude's tail is over a foot long now. It's insane how big that dog is getting. The animals we're chasing each other around upstairs while I was in the basement and it sounded like WW3 went off.


I just got an email from a professor letting me know that my name change at WSU has fucked his ability to give me grades and i'm no longer registered in my classes under any name. Thanks WSU! If you were the embodiment of a person, i'd punch you in the face. Like the big black man said in The Rock "I.want.my.fucking.money."


I gotz me some front row tickets to avenue q tonight. That should be pretty pimp. I myself have always looked forward to seeing muppets fuck on stage.


My bills are piling up and nothing is working out. It's really hard to stay positive at a time like this. but I'm trying. Maybe painting anthropomorphic food being eaten alive will make me feel better.

wayne state fucked me out of my money again. again.

and my wallet is missing.


i'm seriously done.

what's next?

fuck it.

fuck u.

fuck.

I hung out with people for the first time in awhile tonight. Mostly i've just been doing school, work, theatre, then crashing at home with a bowl and a disc of TV on DVD.

But i've been making it a point to get out more and do things, getting paid this week helped alot in that regard too!

I went with Katy O, Jessica Green, and Adam to a haunted house called The Lab on Grosse Ile Island. We met Alan and Emily there. It was really fun. It looked awfully hoaky from the outside. Just a lone warehouse in the middle of a field, just one yellow siren on top beckoning you toward it. There weren't many people there and that's good because I feel like the staff really gave each group a good show. They divided us into two groups: Adam, Jessica and Myself and Alan, Em, and Katy. I was on the end, adam was in front, and Jessica sandwiched herself between us so tightly i'm surprised she could breathe. I swear, if I got more than six inches away from her she'd just scream and yank me back so hard i'd nearly fall over. Jessica was honestly the most dangerous thing in that haunted house lol.

They made us watch a video before we went in which starred the high school teacher from lost who blows himself up with dynamite. That was pretty funny. Inside there were quite a few neat features. One, all the hallways were super tiny and the path was designed pretty well. I felt very cramped, but also able to move with speed and ease through much of the obstacles. The only thing slowing me down was the knowledge that about 80% of everything was designed to allow someone to get inside of it and scare the shit out of me. There was some crazy botany experiments with little audrey 2's and a creepy guy in a cage making sparks shoot out of wires. There was this room with green lasers, fog, and giant gooey moth eggs. . A butcher pinned the three of us against a wall with his chainsaw and some guy with a teethbeak and a hammer chased us from behind. and at the end, theres this giant fucking dinosaur and it tries to eat you. Thats when the government ninjas save you and get you out of the maze.

It was a blast. It really was. I'm starting to enjoy the company of people once again and it's entirely refreshing. i've been feeling lazy and it's starting to wane. I've been in the mood to paint for three days and it's only getting worse. I hope this is a taste of good things to come on the horizon.

Speaking of, at literally the eleventh hour last night my Dad changed his mind about the surgery. They took off his foot this morning just below the knee to stop the infection. They're going to let him recover and then he's going to be fit for a prosthetic leg and the whole mess of rehab starts all over. i'm just glad he decided not to just roll over and die. literally.


I know i havn't talked to alot of you in awhile, but that doesn't mean you havn't been occupying my thoughts. i miss you guys more than words can say.

I'm sorry I never got the chance to say any of this.

You're right Jeannette. You were always right.



It's not as if I never thought about you. It's not like we didn't talk at all. I even visited you out there once, maybe even twice. It was hard for me after sitting with Aunt Hilda during her final days to visit the nursing home again, but we did still have a relationship. You called me on my birthday and even christmas once. I wrote you letters about school and wished you happy birthday too, not to mention happy halloween. One thing I did always like about you was that you're birthday was on halloween. You always shared that with some really great people. I guess you couldn't really say we we're estranged. But there was always a distance between us. There was always that bridge we couldn't build. Ever since I started growing up the chasm between us has just grown and grown, you'd think it'd be filled in by now what with all the broken promises and bad decisions we've both ever made, but I still can't see to the bottom. I still can't see what made you act the way you did. I still after 23 years can't figure out why you never wanted to be my father in the first place. I still can't understand why you would leave me and my mom for your big important life of gambling, drinking, and smoking away what little life had to offer you otherwise. I still can't understand your rampant desire to achieve as little as possible with your life. I still can't understand any of this, but I can forgive you for it. I have too, don't I? What good is it for me to carry all of this hate around after you're gone. You always carried enough for both of us. I forgive you dad. For not being there. For not keeping your promises. For hurting me and my mom. I forgive you for everything because at the end of the day you're still just my dad and i'm just not ready for you too..


I want to say goodbye. But I can't. It's too late. and it's not just now. It's been too late for over two years. You havn't really been there at all since then. Since those crooked men came in the night and stole what little you had left in this world. damn them. I'm so sorry you've endured through all this only to come to this end. If everything happens for a reason, it's just too show us how little reason there really is in this world. I'd truly like to believe that when this is over you'll find peace, but I don't know that I truly believe that. I have no idea what I believe.

one thing I do know is that there's never enough time. just enough to make your mistakes, learn your hard lessons, and never the chance to make it right.

I love you dad. I shouldn't but I do. I always have. I used to look forward so much to our sundays together. I would get so excited when dad would come around. Part of me still wishes you did. But let's face it. You never wanted to be my full time dad, and when my mom met Dave and after we moved... well, we just saw less and less of each other didn't we? I'd take part of the blame for that, but i won't. i was nine. what could i do. you though, you could've visited me a whole 15 minutes away in your... but thats not what this is about. This is about goodbye. This is about my letting go of all the hate and anger i've bottled up and locked away for you in the darkest crypts of my heart.

This is about my wishing that the last time I would see wouldn't be out of your mind in pain. I'm sorry dad for everything thats happened between us... Whatever happens to you, I do hope you find peace. i hope you find whatever it is you've been looking for your entire life.

I want you to know that I love you, and that I wish this didn't have to be... but it is..

goodbye, dad.

The first thing you notice is the smell, right?

Let the air waft into your nostrils and feel it begin to burn and sting. A thick acrid aroma that chokes at the back of your throat and singes all your nose hairs. Like somebody mopped the floors in piss and vinegar.

Then you'll see the faces. One after another after another. some of them are clean slates, some of them are blank to begin with. Others are just calloused and cold, oblivious to all. A very unfortunate few wander about in a field of strangers looking for familiar faces, a missing link to a life they can't remember if they even lived.

and then you open the door. Its always so quiet inside, calm.



but then, it's always calm just before the storm.

the nights used to be filled with magic.
not abracadabra or witching hexes, but tranquil remembrance. Magic that floated on the wind, slowing time, allowing my mind to absorb and preserve those delicate moments forever. Moments that echoed on the arms of a song.

there is no magic anymore. just anxiety as the sky grows dark.




please.
tell me this is real.


please.
make time stand still again.


please.
be real to me.


I need a hand to help me out.


i miss you all.

goodbye.

sitting in a diner smoking stogies with my mom.
anubis. ra. and snakes on a plane.
this is the worst haiku ever.
get out of my head(case)

go ahead and try to kill yourself.

you'll just find out you're dead already.




tnt, dyno-mite